In order to address the complaints and hurt feelings of the rest of the NFL, the commissioner has adopted 10 new "Special Rules" for all New England Patriots games. They take effect immediately, and are as follows:
Special Rules for the Patriots …
1) In the course of an NFL game, if the Patriots go up by more than 31 points, they are not allowed to play offense until the opposing team draws to within one score. (Pats will kick-off after an opposing team's touchdown or FG). Once the team is within one score, the Pats offense may play, but Tom Brady may not, unless: the Pats play with 8 players (including Tom), or the Pats play with 9 players, but 1 player for the Patriots is chosen by the opposing team from the stands. no Patriots linebacker is allowed to play offense, unless that LB is inserted at quarterback. However, Mike Vrabel cannot be quarterback.
2) If an opposing player states "It's like were playing 7-on-5s" (7 offense, 5 defense during practice), such as indicated by Justin Smith, DE, Cincinnati Bengals 10/1/07, the Patriots must take a time out and serve ice cold lemonade or hot tea (weather dependent) to the opposing team. Scones are optional.
3) Once the 31 pt rule is in effect, Patriots may challenge any play, but the opposing team gets veto power over the referee.
4) Once the Pats offense is allowed back onto the field (7 pts), for any forward pass the Pats QB must point to the receiver and call out his number BEFORE passing. If Tom Brady is quarterbacking at the time, he must do that, plus turn the opposing team's water cooler into wine BEFORE passing.
5) Belichick must diagram any Patriots play to the opposing defense and ensure they understand exactly how to disrupt the play. This all must be done within the play clock. If this process is not complete prior to the play clock expiring, the Patriots will be assessed a delay of game and double unsportsmanlike conduct penalties.
6) Randy Moss must play with 10lb ankle weights on each ankle. An additional pound will be added for each TD this season.
7) Wes Welker is not allowed to have "that crazy look" in his eyes. 10 yd, "crazy eyes" penalty assessed.
8) Tom Brady must immediately stop dating supermodels as he will not be allowed to date anyone that is more attractive then the least attractive significant other of an opposing team member (including coaches). He also must start doing commercials for every product imaginable, especially ones where he chants "cut that meat!" or refers to himself "as a 6'5" quarterback with a laser-rocket arm"
9) Bill Belichick is not allowed to be within 100 yards of any infant, for fear that his evil super-genius powers would assimilate such a defenseless creature into the Patriots System. We have already seen this effect on an inordinate amount of chipmunks, squirrels, and 'possum that commit suicide while crossing Rte 1 to reach Gillette Stadium.
10) The Patriots must respect all opposing player’s feelings and apologize for every first down. Touchdowns must be followed by a written apology and a fruit basket presented with a hug.